My Father

Oh where to begin with my father? I can safely say that my father has given me examples over my life as to how to never treat your children, how the phone works both ways but only in my case and not his. I've learned that your children are never as important as your girlfriends, that it is impossible to have a relationship with your kids and with a significant other.

You would think that having two children, one being disabled that he would have grown up at one point in time, no, strike that, that he would have been a parent at one point in time. You would think that he'd want to see his son more, the one that I was told wouldn't live forever and so I should do as much with him because of this.

I didn't realize that this meant that I was his second parent because he didn't have one. Once my parents got divorced when I was 12, I became the other parent. Oh my father would take us here and there but, it was never steady. I mean, that was the one thing we could count on with him, that it would be few visits.Whenever he didn't have a girlfriend he would be that dad. You know, the one that would pick you up when he was supposed to, the one that spent time with you. But it never lasted, and we were back to square one. I never expected much from my father, that way I would never be disappointed when it didn't happen.

Over the years I have let my father know my feelings, he has wanted to sit down and discuss it for years but it never ends up that way. He can't just talk about getting over this and onto a new relationship with me and his grandson. He can never accept anything I say, it's all stuff my mother has put in my head.

And this is why we have no relationship, because no matter how hard I try to look past all things he's done and start fresh, I find that he loves to live in the past. He thinks that he was this wonderfully supportive father and he was far from it. I was never good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, my hair long enough, my grades, you name it. I struggle to this day with my weight and thinking I am pretty enough. I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I walk by and I'll think, who is that beautiful woman?

And then I hear, "Your hair is too short, how can you be beautiful with that hair, and you know you can loose a few around your middle. You're not getting any younger you know." Then this little voice in my head says "FUCK YOU! I am beautiful, and my body is just imperfect enough to be perfect for me."

Thank God I found that voice, and I am so thankful to be blessed with a mother who will never let me think that way, and a man that will never let me forget how beautiful I am to him. Oh yeah, and a son that tells everyone he knows that his mom used to be a Supergirl, and now she's SuperMom. To those out friends out there we have that we have met or not, I am so very thankful for you all and your sharing as well. As I read other blogs I am reminded that I am not alone. Thank you.